February 2012
10 posts
1 tag
“Two wrongs can never make a right because two wrongs can never equal each other.”
– ‘Revenge’
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The allure of Mary-Jane
So I have, what others might consider to be, a weird, particular ‘obsession’ with footwear. Particularly t-strap or mary jane black patent flats worn with white socks. Like you might have done when you were five. Or born in the twenties.
If you wanted to delve into psychoanalysis, I suppose you could trace it back to a reluctance to grow up, or an obsession with the innocence of children, or even...
3 tags
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14 tags
The Return to the Written Word
I’m walking. I’m walking and I can’t breathe. My heart is racing and my chest is heavy and suffocating and I can’t focus on walking because I can’t breathe.
And I can’t tell if it’s because I’m climbing uphill or because I just left my entire world back in the doctors chair; Not even one full day of hope, before my world came tumbling down yet again. Just when the pieces were finally falling into...
3 tags
January 2012
10 posts
11 tags
I’m too depressed to sleep. I know that sounds strange, and I don’t exactly know what I think will happen if I sleep, but I just can’t do it.
And it’s late. And it’s only getting later. And I have to get up tomorrow morning, and get dressed, and get on a bus and a train, and start the day with a dance class I don’t really want to go to. And just the thought of...
8 tags
8 tags
Last Summer,
I went to the beach more last summer, last summer when I was locked up in a psychiatric ward, than I have the entirety of this summer. And it has nothing to do with the weather, or my location. It has to do with the fact that I’ve barricaded myself in my room, burrowed like a hermit into my bed in isolation.
This summer I stand crying at my open pantry, because I can’t find anything to eat, even...
5 tags
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Nothing
Nothing is more sobering than the blunt realisation that you have nothing.
No qualifications. No talent. No redeeming physical features. No loved ones. No self control. No drive. And most devastating of all, no passion.
Nothing to wake for, nothing to live for.
I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore, except not eating. And I don’t care that I don’t...
4 tags
“I didn’t particularly want to live much longer than that. Life seemed rather...”
– Marya Hornbacher, ‘Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia ‘
5 tags
wedeservebettervillians:
The thing I love about my best friend is that I’m a bitch, I know I’m a bitch, and sometimes I’m a bitch to her without meaning it, and yet she still sticks around, even when I don’t deserve a friend like her.
No lovely! What would make you think that?
…Wait, I am your best friend right?
3 tags
True Colours
So is this what life really is? Just a distraction from depression? Constantly lying just under the surface ready to envelop any human being that doesn’t constantly fill the void with some meaningless time filling crap?
I’m slowly drifting away. I can’t concentrate. It’s like I’m not really here and my body is just ‘making an appearance’ for the world;...
December 2011
7 posts
“Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination...”
– Fernando Pessoa
12 tags
anywherebutherejess asked: Are you ok? Just noticed you haven't been on in ages xxxxx
dragonseye asked: Hi there! Your blog seems sadly quiet. I read some of your posts - you have an amazing ability to paint pictures through your words, you know. You're clearly someone with an amazing mind - it's a frustration of all intelligent people that we over-think everything until the negative thoughts are deafening. I understand your outbursts at your parents - I was that quiet parent as my...
Update:
I’m not dead.
I have a new (female) detective on my rape case. She’s done little more work on my case than the previous detective Nick did.
They “can’t find” my rapist. Police are in contact with Immigration Services. I’m really paranoid with the possibility that he’s living in Sydney. Or that he may be following me. And if he’s left the country,...
Anonymous asked: Where have you gone? I miss you. I'm worried about you. Your blog is such a safe space for me, and you've gone. Please be okay. -(The girl who talks of you in real life)
October 2011
2 posts
13 tags
I finally snapped.
I exploded. With a voice I’ve only heard escape from my lips just once before in my life, I yelled at my parents in sobbing hysterics.
It was not any of the current myriad of stresses in my life which tipped me over the edge; but a simple invasion of privacy perpetrated by my mother which brought feelings of powerlessness hurtling brazenly to the surface.
I came home to discover some of my...
7 tags
I deserved it.
A discussion on religion with a male (South-African, yet Caucasian) acquaintance had him pose a question unto me to explain my deep desperation for justice. Despite the fresh summer heat, I turned cold and soon began to shiver uncontrollably and inexplicably for no reason. No reason except guilt.
Summer reminds me too much of being crazy. The heat is the stifling walls of the psychiatric ward,...
September 2011
67 posts
2 tags
6 tags
I’ve hit a wall somehow.
I can’t find the motivation to complete work for performance assessments, or the self-respect to stop myself from eating further into obesity, or the energy to care when my father yells, slamming the door to accompany his rage.
9 tags
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The ‘trifecta’
Today I dealt with: a) A chorus of ‘rape! rape!’ in exclamation from my classmates as we were directed to skip over the particular scene depicting sexual assault in Shakespeare’s play of Henry V. b) A classmate audibly sighing ‘yes’ in relief as a persona in an improvisation activity chose to keep her supposed baby, rather than to terminate the pregnancy. c) A teacher referring to songs of an...
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The worst part of a relapse is that it is even...
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“I just want to tuck you up into bed, you look so tired!”
– Dr A, my GP
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The less makeup I wear, the more people will ask...
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Email from Nick (Federal Police Officer):
“I have just won a transfer to another division for 6mths so I am working with my Sgt about who will be the best person to transfer you case to. Once I know who that is I will let you know.”
Great. Just really fucking great. More waiting.
I don’t know how I feel about this yet because I went to the pub and drank alcohol and absorbed artificial happiness and am still flying...
anywherebutherejess asked: Hi lovely, I've been following you for a while and just want to let you know how brave I think you are. I could never imagine going up against my rapist in court let alone telling the police about it in the first place. I wish you the best with everything. If you ever need anything I'm here for you xx
7 tags
Waiting
My life has been reduced to the act of waiting. Waiting for Nick to call. Waiting with the phone perched in my lap, clenched in my hand, sitting my pocket, lying at the back of the classroom as I dance, resting on the desk beside me as I work; every second glancing at the screen just to check I haven’t missed the phonecall that could potentially deliver devastating news.
All the time worried...
10 tags
3 tags
Shut up!
Too many years of therapy have ruined me for daily conversations and human interaction. I can’t experience any event without rigorous debriefing. I can’t talk about any situation, or person, or anything anymore without exhaustive analysis. I can hear myself talking and repeating myself and becoming annoying, but I can’t stop.
2 tags
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I TOLD MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS BLOG OH MY GOD WHAT...
We were talking about how anything I put on the internet, and write to friends over facebook could be sequestered by the defense and used against me in a court case, and obviously tumblr came up.
She promised she wouldn’t read it, but it still scares me. A lot.
11 tags
Half the Story
My therapist commented on my ability to talk freely and in depth about details of my self harm. I confessed how I still carry blades on me at all times, hidden amongst my personal possessions; hiding places so artful even multiple psychiatric nurses in several hospitals failed to discover upon searching my belongings. I refused however to impart to her the specific locations: the card pockets of...
becausewecanx3 asked: i love your page. its so honest. and thank you so much
shanmabs asked: Stumbled across one of your posts on a tag, and I just wanted to say HI. I read your bio, and it seems like you've been through a lot. Just wanted to send a virtual ((HUG)) your way.
secretsofasongbird asked: Your blog is beautiful and broken. Inspiring and sorrowful. I am sorry for all the pain in your past. The hurt and heart ache. I will never know the depth of your hurt and I hope someday the wounds begin to heal both physical and emotional. I am so sadden by the awful people who walk this planet and pollute it with their evil actions and thoughts. I am sorry you were taken advantage of. It is not...
Anonymous asked: Hello. My name is also Olivia, and I am also disgusting, and I also hate myself.